Uncertainty is scary. When we encounter uncertainty and change, the sympathetic nervous system is often engaged. This is what triggers “flight or fight.”
When a threat is perceived, we have a stress response. Conversations about change, like a move to a retirement community, can be that stressor, that trigger.
The topic of moving may prompt your parent to bristle at the suggestion. They resist the idea for a myriad of reasons: Home is familiar. They’re overwhelmed by all their stuff. Change is hard. The uncertainty is scary.
Sometimes the resistance stems from an outdated perception of a retirement community. They envision the old hospital-model nursing home. “You won’t ship me off to a home,” is a common response.
How do you move forward?
How do you engage your parent to consider the benefits of a retirement community versus living at home? You have your parent’s best interest at heart. Start there.
A move to a retirement community, once it happens, feels like the enormous burden of home maintenance, navigation of stairs, lawn care, grocery shopping and meal preparation has been lifted! We have seen this scenario time and again in our work. But how do you get there?
Arranging tours of communities can be a great place to start.
As Lisa Mayfield, Aging Wisdom’s founder and principal suggests, “I recommend getting your parent to tour now in anticipation of the future. Say something like ‘I know you don’t want to move now Mom, but let’s look at what’s available. Down the road, when you might need more help, or if your health were to change, you’ll know what options you have.’ And often they’re pleasantly surprised to see it’s nothing like what they’d imagined.”
Communities are accommodating and will happily arrange tours that include a meal. Mealtime is a great way to get a sense of the energy of the place, meet other residents, and taste the wonderful food. Dining rooms are often like restaurants, complete with wait staff, menus, and chef-prepared meals.
If you need help narrowing the field of choices ahead of a tour, you can engage the assistance of an Aging Life Care professional (AKA Care Managers), like our Care Management team at Aging Wisdom.
We are familiar with the communities in the greater Seattle area. Our work takes us inside communities where clients are residents. We know the general managers, community relations personnel, and nursing directors, as well as frontline staff on a first-name basis. We can expertly guide you through the range of options, help break down the costs, and ensure the appropriate level of care is selected.
We also encourage families to tour communities ahead, without parents. Initially, visit communities alone to eliminate those you know your parents will not like. When you take them to tour, show them only the ones you know they are likely to enjoy. Narrow your choices to your top 2-3. Doing the initial legwork on your own will pay off in the long run.
With patience, persistence, a little homework and legwork, you can successfully set the stage for your parent to make a move to a retirement community. You can turn uncertainty to confidence, acceptance, even eager anticipation with this approach.
Looking for guidance as you navigate resistance and the myriad of options? We are the experts! Give us a call at 206.456.5155 or schedule an appointment here.
