Concerns about an older parent’s well-being are normal. Striking the right balance between supporting independence and ensuring safety can be a struggle for adult children. One of the most common reasons adult children reach out to us is when a parent, who obviously needs help, refuses it.
When we see changes in our parents, it’s usually a sign that something has shifted.
There is a myriad of reasons that prompt concern:
- Changes in personal hygiene or home maintenance
- Mental health concerns, signs of increased paranoia or suspicion
- Unopened mail, unpaid bills, financial exploitation or misspending
- Parent still driving and worry about injury to mom/dad or others
- Noticeable weight loss
- A series of falls that do not result in injury but suspect there will be a fall with injury in the future
- Memory loss, repeated questions, forgetting appointments
- Difficulty managing medication or forgetting to take medication
- Refusal to go to the doctor
It’s likely you’ve expressed concern and suggested to your parent that it’s time to bring in some help, only to have the offer refused. Your parents have probably even declined offers from you to help with balancing the checkbook, mowing the lawn, or transportation to a doctor’s appointment, dismissing you with a wave of the hand and “We’re fine!” or “Mind your own business.”
No amount of pleading can change their minds. Heels are dug in.
Why Your Parent Refuses Help
We live in a culture that values independence, self-sufficiency, and self-determination. This sense of independence is powerful and deeply ingrained. It could also be pride, or fear of losing privacy, or fear of losing independence and control to make their own choices and decisions. Lack of insight or awareness is often a factor.
These conversations can be difficult and emotionally charged. How do you get past that reality and make strides towards respecting your parents’ autonomy, while also making sure they are safe?
There’s no simple answer. And our parents have the right to say no unless they are doing harm to themselves or others.
Observe, Assess, and Put Your Feelings Aside.
This is an opportunity to step back and observe before jumping in with suggestions or letting emotions take over. Pause and assess the situation instead of trying to fix it. What can your parent still do on their own? What is prompting concern on your part? Is their safety in jeopardy? Have others observed similar changes and expressed the same concerns? This will help you understand what assistance might be needed and how best to offer support moving forward.
Talk About Things in the Future.
Phrasing questions and conversations about what your parent would prefer in the future is one way to open a dialogue. Instead of using logic or pointing out to your mom all the things that are wrong, which quickly shuts down conversation, start with “Mom, I wonder, someday, if you were to need some help around the house, what would you want?” Use hypothetical questions like “Dad, what would you do if you decided the house was too much to maintain?”
Share a Story About a Friend’s Experience.
Use a real-life example, like a parent’s friend: your mom’s best friend lost her husband recently and didn’t know the first thing about the finances or how to maintain the house. Her kids were in a scramble to help, causing a lot of undue stress and messy family dynamics. Or perhaps you have a friend who has been challenged by a parent’s declining health or expressed concerns with his dad’s driving. Frame it by asking “If that were to happen to you, what would you like us to do?” or “Mom, Sally’s mom recently moved to a retirement community and loves it! No more housework or cooking. Is that something you might consider?”
Then Listen. Be patient.
It’s hard. And it’s natural to want to fill in the gaps and silences. But let your parent talk. These conversations take time and patience. The answers won’t come all at once either. It will take persistence and it will take more than one conversation. Be low-key. This is not the time to be critical or point out problems. This is your opportunity to understand your parent’s point of view, ask questions in a gentle way, be present, and truly listen. Find a location and time of day when they are most comfortable. Avoid interrupting.
Apply the Golden Rule.
How would you like to be treated if you were in the same situation? While driving might be an issue, avoid comments like “You’re too old to drive.” Instead, offer to take them grocery shopping or to an appointment; schedule time afterwards for an outing or meal that your parent would enjoy. What is of value to your parent? What makes them feel treasured, respected, and purposeful? How can you address what concerns you while also supporting what matters most to your parent such as independence, personal autonomy, and safety.
Not every approach is perfect. There are challenges and limitations for each family. Sometimes it all feels daunting, and you would value the support of an expert guide for advice and navigation. That’s where Aging Life Care professionals come in. These are the issues that usually first bring families to us.
Enlist Expert Help.
Aging Life Care managers (AKA geriatric Care Managers) are knowledgeable and experienced in helping families move forward with difficult conversations and next steps. We can often help families make progress more quickly than they could on their own. We are strategic planners and advisors who work with individuals and their families to help navigate the complexities and issues that arise with changes in health and memory.
Aging Wisdom is in the perfect position to help you make sense of these changes and find the support, resources, and solutions you need. We provide you with information and tools to make the best decisions.
If you are ready to start planning and move forward, click here to schedule a get-acquainted call to schedule a consultation.
