When it comes to mom and dad, each adult child’s relationship with their parents is different. This can trigger conflict and misunderstandings as parents grow older and family input, support, and collaboration are needed.
It’s natural for disagreements to occur, even in families with strong functional relationships. However, when parents are experiencing memory and health changes, it can create tension. Rare is the family who are all on the same page and managing decisions and tasks smoothly.
Some of the more common contributors to challenging family dynamics include:
- Disagreements about how much support or care is needed.
- Parents resisting care.
- One sibling feeling that they are doing the bulk of the work.
- Others feel excluded from important conversations and decisions.
- Conflicts about who is responsible or how to pay for care.
- Old wounds, sibling rivalries, and unhealthy patterns reemerge.
What we see in our practice as geriatric care managers are children doing their best to balance their parents’ independence with concerns about safety. And when adult children are in conflict, they’re often coming to the care of their parent from a different place on that continuum of independence versus safety.
You might have a brother in New York who says, “Dad wants to be independent. Let dad live alone. Let dad drive. It’s okay if dad falls, he wants independence.” Then you have the sister who lives next door, who is seeing dad fall. She sees the dents in his car. She sees how the house and yard are not being maintained.
<Clash of the Siblings! a bite-sized podcast>
They each have similar goals and desires to keep dad happy, safe, and independent, but they have different perspectives of the situation given their proximity.
How can siblings come closer together on that continuum of independence versus safety on behalf of a parent?
- Ask your parents what they want. Now’s a good time, if circumstances allow, to talk with your parents about their preferences, needs, and concerns. This will likely take more than one conversation. It’s important to allow your parents space to make choices, express worries, and share their goals and desires.
- Sibling meeting. Apart from your parents, all siblings come together to discuss and assess the situation. This should be a judgement free, no-interruption zone. This is an opportunity to listen to one another, putting your parents’ best interests first.
- Stay in contact. We are lucky to have so many ways to communicate, between email, texting, video conferencing, in addition to phone calls or in person communication. Keep all siblings in the loop. Over time, you’ll likely find yourselves growing closer.
The suggestions above, while general in nature, offer a place to begin. If discussions turn to disputes, and emotions run high, consider engaging a professional to mediate.
Caring for parents as they grow older can be overwhelming. You and your siblings may be grieving as you parents’ situation changes. Your parents might be experiencing some of these concerns as well.
As care managers, our work with families provides an unbiased perspective. We can also help defuse disagreements and direct the discussion towards the overarching goal of doing what’s best for your parents and help you and your siblings find common ground.
We have knowledge and expertise to assess the situation and offer guidance. We can provide that professional perspective. And often having an outside person give their assessment and recommendations can be enough to calm and refocus the situation.
Finding common ground and reaching a mutual understanding about how best to support your parent/s isn’t always easy. With the help of an objective professional such as an Aging Life Care Professional (aka Geriatric Care Manager), you can find balance, as well as solutions.
Schedule a free, get-acquainted call with one of our Care Managers by CLICKING HERE.
