Rob came to Aging Wisdom in a panic. For months he and his sister had done everything they could think of to convince their mother — 82 years old, recently widowed, and showing signs of memory loss — to move to an assisted living community.
Rob’s Aunt Mary, his mother’s sister, had moved to a community nearby and was thrilled with her decision. This was what Rob and his sister Linda saw as the answer for their mother as well.
“Since our father’s death, we were uncomfortable with our mother living at home alone. Her safety was our biggest concern. In addition, mail was stacking up on her kitchen table. She had difficulty driving. She refused help with groceries and meals. Offers to hire help with lawn and home maintenance and housekeeping were dismissed.”
“She was particularly adamant about not needing help with her bills, though our father had always managed the money. When the bank called about the checking account being overdrawn, it felt like the wheels were falling off the cart. Our reaction was to snap into action.”
Rob and Linda are the first to admit that they didn’t manage the situation appropriately. They were genuinely concerned; however, they allowed worry to take over. Both are still working full time, married, and raising families. Looking back, they see where they were often stressed out, impatient, tired, and resentful at times.
Ask Questions, Then Pause and Listen
“My sister and I have always enjoyed a good relationship with our mother and each other. But looking back, here’s what I would have done differently: Ask questions and listen. Linda and I pushed forward with solutions without asking our mother what she wanted. That was a mistake.”
This is a common scenario for families.
Their approach comes from a good place: wanting to keep their mother safe and happy. But they were directing her, telling her what she should do. Not engaging her or asking her opinion.
At Aging Wisdom, we often say that we wish we could wrap our clients in bubble wrap to keep them from harm. Families feel that way about their older loved ones too.
<Can freedom and safety co-exist?>
But there’s an important lesson here: Rob and Linda learned that their mother gets to still make decisions and have choices. And the best way to engage in conversation is to ask questions and listen, truly listen.
Patience and Reassurance
In addition to listening, patience goes a long way too, as does reassurance. Conversations about concerns focused on changes can be understandably upsetting. It was easy for them to lose patience and for their mother to grow defensive and tune out their pleas.
With the support of a Care Manager, Rob and Linda began to look at things from their mother’s perspective:
- Just 6 months earlier, she’d lost her husband of 61 years and was still deeply grieving his loss.
- Their mother was adjusting to living alone, believing she had to manage everything and all during a pandemic! There was so much change to navigate, it was overwhelming at times. She was afraid to ask for help and appear frail.
- She’d lived in the same home, the same neighborhood, for over 50 years. This is the house the Rob and Linda grew up in. Their mother loved holding family gatherings and holidays there. The house was rich in memories, though a large burden.
- Rob and Linda’s mother didn’t understand why they were concerned. She was “perfectly fine” without their help, despite evidence to the contrary. This is what we refer to as lack of insight. You can read more about it <HERE>.
Understanding their mother’s perspective more clearly, the Care Manager also coached them on how to frame questions to move their conversations forward. Open-ended questions as well as questions that reference the future were productive and enlightening.
Talk About the Future
For example, a question framed in the future: “Mom, it’s likely you’ll need help someday. We think it’s important that we understand what’s available, so we’ll be prepared when that time comes. How can we best support you?”
Another way to approach a potential move might be: “Mom, I imagine there might come a time when this house will feel too big to manage, especially now that Dad has passed. How will we know when it’s time for you to move? What would you like us to know?”
Here’s another: “Would you like to visit Aunt Mary at her new apartment? I know she’d love to have you join her for lunch soon. Is that something we can plan together?”
It was awkward at first, but with regular practice, it came naturally.
<Shift Your Perspective (Aging Wisdom podcast)>
Their mother felt heard, understood, respected. Rob and Linda had more clarity on their mother’s thoughts, concerns, fears, and even her dreams.
By changing their conversational approach, it was easier to exercise patience and reassure their mother that she was heard, and that her personal safety and well-being were the priority. Framing questions and the conversation in terms of the future made the exchanges more equitable and productive.
In the long run, Rob, Linda, and their mother were able to engage in more robust conversations. The siblings gained clarity on their mother’s preferences and perspective and made plans collaboratively about what came next.
We are happy to report that Rob and Linda’s mother visited her sister and enjoyed her time so much that she had a standing weekly lunch date with her. After three months, she so enjoyed the companionship, wonderful meals, and comfortable surroundings that she initiated a move to the same assisted living community when an apartment became available.
In between, Rob and Linda were able to bring in-home services with their mother’s agreement. They hired a companion to assist around the house 6 hours a day. The companion provided light housekeeping and laundry services, grocery shopping and meal preparation, help sorting the mail, conversation, and activities such as walks, jigsaw puzzles, scenic drives, visits to the library, and their mother’s favorite bakery.
Looking for guidance on how best to move forward? Our Care Managers are experts in helping navigate important conversations with older loved ones.
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