Having concerns about a loved one’s well-being, especially when they are older, is normal. Have you noticed some changes? Is there something that seems off or unusual, perhaps atypical to your loved one’s usual demeanor, behavior, or personality?
Changes and adjustments are normal for all of us during our lifespan, but sometimes they warrant a closer look. Striking the right balance between fostering independence, respecting autonomy, and ensuring safety can be a struggle for those of us who are part of an older adult’s life.
Knowing when changes justify intervention can pose a challenge. But don’t let your own discomfort or denial, or their dismissal of your concerns stand in the way of addressing them.
Are any of these signs familiar?
1. Concerned friends or neighbors have called you because they noticed worrisome changes. They may step in to provide help if they can. Examples: Dad locked himself out of house again when retrieving the mail and asked a neighbor for help. Aunt Lois has a new “friend” that her closest friends are worried about. Mom left a pan of soup unattended on the stove, which set off the smoke detector and sparked a kitchen fire that a neighbor put out with a fire extinguisher. House maintenance is a challenge. Your mother’s lawn and yard are out of control, and she can’t remember the last time she mowed it.
2. Mail is piling up and unopened. Bills are unpaid, there are banking overdraft notices in the mail stack, and utilities are at risk of being shut off or have been shut off. Examples: A deeper look reveals that finances are in disarray, which is completely out of character for your dad who was an accountant. Since Uncle Fred died, Aunt Carol doesn’t know the first thing about managing household finances and her accounts have been reflagged at her bank out of concern as your cousin Chuck has been helping himself to large withdrawals from her account.
3. The refrigerator has a strong odor. There is molding, rotten food in the kitchen. Examples: You just had lunch and then your mother asks, “When are we going to have lunch?” You went grocery shopping for your dad last week and on a recent visit you noticed that the meals have gone untouched, and your dad complains of having nothing to eat. It’s obvious that your friend Myriam has lost considerable weight since you last saw her a month ago.
4. Medications are taken incorrectly. Your loved one is confused about his or her doctor’s advice. Examples: There is an abundance of pill bottles all over your friend Sally’s kitchen counter and piles of pills in a dish, which she grabs and ingests in handfuls without regard to doctor’s instructions. Your mom has been on a new medication, one of many prescriptions, and her mood has gotten dramatically worse, as has her memory.
5. Hygiene changes. Your loved one wears soiled clothing, bathes infrequently, and does not attend to personal hygiene as they once did. Examples: Your best friend Nancy always took pride in her appearance but, more and more, you notice her wearing the same outfit, day after day. There are noticeable stains on her clothing; this is out of character for her. When you visit your parents, you notice as you hug them that there is an unpleasant odor, as if they’ve not showered or changed clothes in weeks.
6. Not able to drive safely. The car has new scratches or dents, maintenance has been ignored, and your older loved one can’t explain why. Examples: Your dad insists on picking you up from the airport on your recent visit and you don’t know if you’ll ever recover from the terrifying ride after he drove through red lights, crossed the center line, and appeared to have lost his way home. Or you listen in disbelief as your in-laws chuckle as they share the story of how dad’s memory isn’t good but his eyesight is sharp, and mom’s eyesight is bad, but her memory is great, so she navigates while he drives.
7. “Mom is fine,” your dad says. Mom agrees, though your gut tells you otherwise. They have learned to compensate for one another. Examples: Mom keeps asking you the same question—over and over again. Or Dad keeps telling the same story—repeatedly. Your always-impeccably dressed Aunt Rose, the family fashion plate, is wearing two different shoes, on the wrong feet, and a polka-dotted top with flower-patterned pants, when you come to pick her up for your evening at the theater. Your friend Bill is having difficulty tracking conversations or the plot of TV program you are watching.
These are common signs that something has changed and requires attention. If you noticed changes in behavior, memory, or other issues that are uncharacteristic for your loved one, it may be time to address your concerns.
Matters of safety, housing, health, nutrition, quality of life, transportation, medical concerns, medication management, finances, and family dynamics can be complex. Is your loved one reluctant to discuss these issues? Do you may find it difficult to broach the subject?
Every family is different, but there are supports and strategies available to help you focus on creating a plan to move forward, explore what matters most to your loved one, and help get them the help they need, while respecting their autonomy, independence, and dignity.
Not sure what to do next? Are changes in an older loved one a source of worry for you?
We are experts in guiding families on options and next steps. Give us a call: 206.456.5155.
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