The Dance. That’s how a colleague once described the way families approach an older loved one’s journey with aging. This is especially true in their final years of life, in what our professional association colleague Amy Cameron O’Rourke calls The Fragile Years.1
It makes sense. Some days it’s a slow, beautiful waltz. Others can be a fast-paced polka. And then there’s the occasional freeform dance that is unchoreographed, a bit chaotic, later stumbling into a seemingly smooth twirl. Occasionally you’ll find yourself in an energetic Go-go.
Does this feel familiar? Are you going from a waltz to a polka, stumbling to a twirl, then a Go-go dance?
In our experience as care managers, this tends to happen most frequently when families start to see changes in an older loved one.
What Are the Signs That an Aging Parent Needs Help?
Common causes for concern might include:
- Memory loss, forgetfulness, repeating questions and stories, confusion
- Trouble managing finances, paying bills, handling money, organizing the mail
- Losing things or misplacing items in odd places
- Mood and/or personality changes that are uncharacteristic
- Getting lost while driving, walking
- Having difficulty with daily tasks such as dressing, medication management, food preparation, housekeeping, hoarding
- Noticeable frailty, weight loss
- Lack of awareness or insight into changes
- Poor hygiene, not wearing suitable clothing for the weather
If you recognize any of these changes and your loved one hasn’t asked for assistance, it’s time to prepare and anticipate that you may have to step in. This is especially imperative if your parent’s safety and well-being are at risk.
What Are Your Next Steps When an Older Loved One Needs Help?
Part of the process of helping your parent is to realistically view the landscape. You need to determine if their living situation is really a crisis and requires you to act, or is there something you can do to make their situation safer; an opportunity to insert a little bit of help, perhaps? It’s time for an honest assessment of the situation.
However, before you jump into action, you need to have some conversations with your parent. Remember, it’s their life. They still get to make decisions. Part of the dance is understanding and assessing the right balance of independence and autonomy with safety and well-being.
<Can freedom and safety co-exist?>
One suggestion our founder and principal Lisa Mayfield makes is to ask your parent directly: “How will we know when it’s time for you to move? What will be the signs for us that it is no longer safe for you to be at home?”
This approach is open-ended and non-confrontational.
Be patient and listen, truly listen. Don’t explain. Don’t interrupt, listen. These simple yet straightforward questions might be the beginning of some wonderful communication and collaborative planning. Your parent wants to be heard; their opinions validated.
Dr. Leslie Kernisan, a geriatrician and founder of the website Better Health While Aging, shares similar conversation starter questions in her book When Your Aging Parent Needs Help. For example: “You know I want what’s best for you and makes you happiest. That’s why I’m curious what you would like to see happen if [insert a hypothetical, like: you couldn’t climb the stairs to this house or your room anymore].”2
Ideally, you’ve had some conversations with your loved one ahead of them needing assistance. If you haven’t, you can start gently with questions such as these.
It will take time. Rare is the parent who says “Yes, bring in a housekeeper and a caregiver!” Patience and persistence will pay off.
But what do you do if you continue to come to an impasse and are met with resistance? It may be time to bring in the assistance of an Aging Life Care Professional (we are also known as Care Managers).
I’ve Exhausted All Options! What Should I Do Now?
As Aging Life Care professionals, we are often called in to help families navigate these challenges. We can partner with you in the dance.
We wear many hats: as advisors, coaches, navigators, and care planners. We provide home assessments, connect you to local supports and services tailored to your family’s situation, facilitate family conferences, and can assist with legal, financial, and healthcare planning.
Our work can be on a short-term consultative basis, where we meet with your family to understand the situation and provide guidance in the form of tailored, personalized planning. This will help you set priorities, review options, and confidently make informed decisions.
We also offer ongoing care management services and supports in the form of care coordination and oversight, effective advocacy, and responsive problem solving.
If you live in the greater Seattle area (King and south Snohomish Counties), you can schedule a FREE get-acquainted call with a Care Manager. This is an opportunity for us to learn more about your situation and to determine together whether our services are a good fit for your needs. Schedule a call here.
ENDNOTES
1 Cameron O’Rourke, A. (2021) The Fragile Years: Proven Strategies for the Care of Aging Loved Ones. New York: Post Hill Press.
2 Kernisan, L. & Spencer Scott, P. (2021) When Your Aging Parent Needs Help. A Better Health While Aging Quick Book. (p. 34)
